New Year's Resolutions When Your Loved One is in Hospice
January arrives with its usual pressure to set goals, make resolutions, and commit to becoming better versions of ourselves. Everywhere you look, people are posting about their plans for the new year, talking about fresh starts, and setting ambitious targets for the months ahead. Meanwhile, you're caring for a dying loved one, running on empty, and barely getting through each day. The disconnect between what everyone else seems focused on and your actual reality feels almost cruel.
Traditional New Year's resolutions about losing weight, advancing your career, learning new skills, or improving your life make no sense when you're watching someone you love approach death. You're not thinking about self-improvement. You're thinking about getting through today without falling apart. The idea of setting goals for a year that will likely include your loved one's death and the grief that follows feels impossible and somehow wrong.
But completely ignoring the new year and your own needs doesn't work either. You're still a person with a life that will continue after hospice ends. Finding ways to acknowledge the new year that fit your actual circumstances rather than forcing yourself into the traditional resolution framework helps you care for yourself while caring for your dying loved one.
Why Traditional Resolutions Feel Wrong Right Now
The entire premise of New Year's resolutions involves looking forward with optimism, setting goals for improvement, and believing you can control outcomes through effort and planning. When you're in hospice caregiving, none of these assumptions hold true.
You can't plan six months or a year ahead because you have no idea what your life will look like in six months. Your loved one might die next week or might still be here in June. You might be deep in grief or still caregiving. Everything feels uncertain in ways that make long-term goal setting feel absurd.
The self-improvement focus of most resolutions seems selfish when someone you love is dying. Worrying about losing ten pounds or reading more books feels trivial compared to what you're dealing with. The things that matter to you right now have nothing to do with personal achievement.
You don't have energy, time, or mental space for taking on new commitments. You're already stretched beyond capacity with caregiving. Adding resolutions about exercising daily or starting a side business would be setting yourself up for certain failure.
The optimistic tone of New Year's resolution culture clashes with the grief and difficulty you're experiencing. Everyone else seems excited about fresh starts while you're dreading what's coming. The cheerful "new year, new you" messaging can feel alienating and tone-deaf to your reality.
Permission to Skip Resolutions Entirely
You are allowed to completely skip New Year's resolutions this year. There's no rule requiring you to set goals or make commitments just because the calendar changed. Giving yourself permission to sit this year out removes unnecessary pressure during an already overwhelming time.
Recognize that survival is enough of a goal right now. Getting through hospice caregiving while maintaining your basic health and sanity represents success. You don't need additional metrics for measuring whether you're doing enough or being enough.
Accept that your focus is necessarily narrow at the moment. You're concentrating on caregiving, managing your household, and getting through each day. This narrow focus isn't failure or lack of ambition. It's appropriate prioritization given your circumstances.
Tell people directly that you're not making resolutions this year if they ask about your goals. A simple "I'm focused on caring for my mother right now, not on New Year's resolutions" shuts down the conversation without requiring elaborate explanation.
Use social media less in January if the constant resolution posts and goal-setting content makes you feel worse. You don't need that comparison or the reminder of how different your life is from people posting about their exciting plans.
Reframing Goals Around Survival and Self-Care
If you want to acknowledge the new year with some kind of intention-setting, focus on goals that actually fit your reality rather than trying to force traditional resolutions.
Set intentions around basic self-care rather than ambitious improvement. Your goal might be "take my medications regularly" or "eat at least one real meal per day" or "sleep when I get the chance." These simple maintenance goals serve you better than pushing for dramatic positive changes.
Focus on what you need to let go rather than what you need to add. Your intention might be releasing guilt about things you can't do, letting go of trying to make everything perfect, or giving up the need to please everyone. Subtraction often helps more than addition during difficult times.
Make your only goal getting through this period without destroying your health or key relationships. Protecting these fundamentals matters more than any specific achievement. Emerging from hospice caregiving with your health intact and your important relationships maintained represents genuine success.
Consider commitments that directly support you through caregiving rather than separate from it. Taking respite breaks once a week, attending a caregiver support group, or scheduling regular calls with a friend who supports you all qualify as worthy goals that fit your reality.
Intentions That Honor Where You Actually Are
Instead of resolutions about who you want to become, try setting intentions that honor who you are and what you're dealing with right now.
Practice self-compassion as your primary intention. This means treating yourself with the kindness you'd show a friend going through the same thing, forgiving yourself for not being perfect, and accepting that you're doing your best under terrible circumstances.
Commit to being present rather than constantly worrying about the future. Staying focused on today instead of catastrophizing about what's coming or regretting what's already happened helps you function better and experience less anxiety.
Intend to ask for help when you need it instead of trying to manage everything alone. Making yourself actually reach out and accept support when offered represents meaningful growth during a time when independence and self-sufficiency might be hurting rather than helping you.
Decide to honor your own grief and emotional needs rather than constantly pushing feelings aside to stay functional. Allowing yourself to cry, to be sad, to feel angry or scared, all without judgment, supports your long-term wellbeing even when it feels like falling apart in the moment.
Goals for After Your Loved One Dies
You might want to set some intentions specifically for the grief period you know is coming, acknowledging that your life will change dramatically when your loved one dies.
Give yourself permission to not be okay for as long as it takes. Your intention might be resisting pressure to "move on" or "get back to normal" on anyone else's timeline, instead honoring your own grief process however long it needs.
Commit to maintaining connections with people who support you even when isolation feels easier. Grief often makes people want to withdraw completely, but staying somewhat connected to supportive people helps more than total isolation usually does.
Plan to be gentle with yourself about resuming normal life activities. You might intend to slowly add back work, hobbies, or social activities as you're ready rather than forcing yourself back into everything immediately or waiting until you feel completely healed before engaging with life again.
Consider what parts of your pre-hospice life you want to reclaim and what might need to change permanently. This time caring for your loved one might have shown you things about your life that need adjusting. Emerging from grief might involve rebuilding differently rather than just returning to how things were.
Practical Micro-Goals That Actually Help
If you function better with concrete goals rather than vague intentions, try setting very small, achievable targets that genuinely support you during hospice caregiving.
Commit to drinking enough water each day. Dehydration worsens everything from fatigue to mood, and this simple goal takes minimal effort while providing real benefits. Keep a water bottle visible as a reminder.
Make a goal of stepping outside for five minutes daily when weather allows. Fresh air and brief exposure to natural light help both physical and mental health without requiring significant time or energy.
Set a target of eating protein at least twice daily. Proper nutrition supports your ability to function, and this specific goal is easier to track and achieve than vague intentions about eating better.
Aim for taking one real break from caregiving each week where someone else is fully responsible and you're completely off duty. This specific, time-limited goal feels more achievable than general intentions about self-care.
Try to maintain one relationship outside of caregiving through regular brief contact. A weekly text exchange, a monthly coffee date, or a standing phone call keeps important connections alive without overwhelming time demands.
What Success Looks Like This Year
Redefine success for this year based on what you're actually dealing with rather than comparing yourself to people whose lives look nothing like yours.
Success might mean you stayed physically healthy enough to continue providing care. You didn't end up hospitalized from exhaustion or develop serious health problems from caregiver stress.
Success might mean you maintained key relationships despite being mostly unavailable. Your marriage survived the strain, your kids still feel loved, and your closest friends stuck with you even though you couldn't reciprocate support normally.
Success might mean you honored your loved one's wishes and provided the kind of care and support they wanted during their final time. You showed up for them consistently even when it was incredibly hard.
Success might mean you allowed yourself to grieve and feel emotions rather than staying numb or shut down through the entire experience. You stayed connected to your feelings even when they were painful.
Success might mean you asked for help when you needed it instead of trying to be a martyr who handles everything alone. You swallowed your pride and accepted support.
Adjusting Expectations as the Year Unfolds
Whatever intentions or goals you set in January will likely need adjustment as the year progresses and your circumstances change.
Give yourself permission to abandon goals that stop serving you or that become impossible as situations evolve. What made sense in January might be completely wrong by March or June. Flexibility matters more than consistency when life is unpredictable.
Reassess monthly or whenever major changes occur. After your loved one dies, your goals will shift. If hospice care extends longer than expected, your priorities might change. Regular check-ins help you stay aligned with actual needs rather than outdated intentions.
Don't beat yourself up about "failed" resolutions or abandoned goals. This isn't a normal year where you can fairly judge yourself by normal standards. Showing yourself compassion about what you couldn't accomplish matters more than achieving specific targets.
Celebrate any small wins rather than focusing on what didn't happen. If you managed to take breaks, maintain your health, or stay connected to important people despite the difficulty, that deserves recognition even if you didn't accomplish other things you hoped for.
For Those Supporting Someone in Hospice Caregiving
If you're not the primary caregiver but know someone caring for a dying loved one, understanding their relationship with New Year's resolutions helps you support them better.
Don't ask them about their goals or resolutions for the new year. This well-meaning question can feel painful or alienating when their reality is so different from the typical resolution-setting experience.
If they share that they're not making resolutions, validate this choice rather than encouraging them to set goals anyway. "That makes total sense given what you're dealing with" shows understanding better than "but you should still take care of yourself."
Avoid sharing your own ambitious resolutions with them unless they specifically ask. Hearing about your plans for marathon training or career advancement can inadvertently highlight how different and difficult their life is right now.
Offer specific, practical support rather than general encouragement about self-care. "I'm bringing dinner Tuesday" helps more than "make sure you're taking care of yourself this year."
Check in regularly throughout the year rather than just in January. Your sustained support and interest matters more than any initial New Year's outreach.
Finding Meaning Without Traditional Goals
You can acknowledge the new year and care for yourself without forcing traditional resolution frameworks onto your life.
Use January as a time for reflection rather than goal-setting. Think about what you've learned about yourself during hospice caregiving, what's been harder than expected, what surprising strengths you've discovered, and what you're learning about love and loss.
Consider what you want to remember about this time when you look back years from now. How do you want to have shown up for your loved one? How do you want to have treated yourself? These values can guide daily choices without becoming rigid goals.
Focus on presence and meaning rather than achievement and improvement. Being fully present for your loved one, finding moments of connection, and showing love in practical ways all matter more than any measurable accomplishment.
Honor the fact that this year will be divided into before and after your loved one's death. You're not living a normal year where consistent growth and forward progress make sense. You're living through a major life transition that requires different measures of success.
This new year doesn't need to look like anyone else's. You don't need ambitious goals, inspiring word-of-the-year selections, or exciting plans for self-improvement. You need to survive hospice caregiving, honor your loved one during their final time, and take care of yourself well enough to get through what's coming. If you accomplish those things, this year will have been successful regardless of what traditional measures might suggest. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate a January that looks nothing like the fresh start everyone else seems to be celebrating.
Don’t forget that our Caregiver Support Group and Grief Support Group are always here to help when you need to be around people who understand what you’re going through.